Breathe Again - Sara Bareilles

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again

Coney Island Sideshow School

(I'd like to go there...)

Stars and Stamina and Serendipity and Soulfulness

People are now depressed for entirely different reasons. We are not disparaged, told we are ugly, damaged, worthless, or incapable of thought. We are commended for simple, stupid undertakings. We are complimented conventionally and regularly. We are told that we are stars.

This puts people under the same pressure as any star. Worried that after the star has burned out, we'll be shoved out to sea in a leaking canoe.

And quite a few of us burn out too quickly.

Simultaneously, expectations have been lowered to accommodate the fragile average joes, and raised to challenge the truly exceptional. We are torn, divided, and conquered. We are inwardly focussed.

I am a self-absorbed nit. But I have noticed a few things. I have tried, despite life-long indoctrination, to think outside my own petty universe. When I do this, I am never upset. I never cry, or rage, or burn things. When I merely observe, and observe with avid interest, I do not feel anything. I merely absorb. It is only when I think in relation to myself that the feelings flood and threaten to sweep me away. Finding the balance between selfless observation and selfish contemplation is crucial.

My advice is not to be a star. Be the furthest thing from a star. Be the audience. There are things in this world that make me want to throw myself into the ocean. There are things in this world that make me laugh, and things that make me never want to close my eyes again. I have seen things that have caused joy, wonderful elation so far beyond even the bliss of contentment.

So many stars have brought me joy. I am enjoying the show.

But I still sort of want to be on the stage.

WE'RE SO LAME!

has the blog died? JUST BECAUSE IT'S APRIL. JESUS WANTED US TO LIIIVVVEE!!!

"Lost In You" - Three Days Grace

I always knew that you would come back to get me
And you always knew that it wouldn't be easy
To go back to the start to see where it all began
Or end up at the bottom to watch how it all ends

You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said I'm nothing without you
I'm nothing without you

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside, let me get close to you
Change your mind I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you

You always thought that I left myself open
But you didn't know I was already broken
I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad
But pulling away you took everything I had
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/three-days-grace-lyrics/lost-in-you-lyrics.html ]

You tried to lie and say I was everything
I remember when I said I'm nothing without you
I'm nothing without you

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside, let me get close to you
Change your mind I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you, in you

The pain of it all, the rise and the fall
I see it all in you
Now every day I find myself saying
I want to get lost in you, I'm nothing without you

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside, let me get close to you
Change your mind I'll get lost if you want me to
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
A way to get lost in you

"The Ballad of Mona Lisa" - Panic! At the Disco

She paints her fingers with a close precision
He starts to notice empty bottles of gin
And takes a moment to assess the sin she’s paid for...
A lonely speaker in a conversation
Her words are swimming through his ears again
There’s nothing wrong with just taste of what you paid for
Say what you mean tell me im right and let the sun rain down on me give me a sign
I wanna believe
Whoa Mona Lisa, you’re guaranteed to run this town Whoa Mona Lisa I’d pay to see you frown
He sense something call it desperation another dollar another day and if she has the proper words to say she’d tell but she’d have nothing left to sell him...
Say what you mean tell me I’m right and let the sun rain down on me give me a sign I wanna believe
Whoa Mona Lisa, you’re guaranteed to run this town Whoa Mona Lisa I’d pay to see you frown
Oh Mona Lisa
Say what you mean tell me I’m right and let the sun rain down on me give me a sign
I wanna believe
Whoa Mona Lisa, you’re guaranteed to run this town Whoa Mona Lisa I’d pay to see you frown
Say what you mean tell me I’m right and let the sun rain down on me give me a sign
I wanna believe
There’s nothing wrong with just a taste of what you paid for....

Anesthetized

I lie here

She stands over me, needle in her hand

Her fingers grasp my wrist

And I try to prepare myself

But how?

Pain radiates out from my hand, so intense

Cold, unyielding, blossoming like some deadly flower

I can feel her screwing something onto it

But even now

Reality seems to be melting away

The plunger goes in

White ice flows through my veins

She's counting, fainter and fainter

Then

Nothing

The Gold Rush

Thoughts about life and death bore me to the grave. But whenever I forget the profound I become selfish and impersonal and I don't like that either. Can I concentrate for a minute please, Don Cherry: your voice gets inside my head. Turn down the volume or I think my ears might fall off. An interesting strategy, but I'm not sure if it will pay off later in the game...

I can dance if I want to. Charlie Chaplin did.

If I can make you see tawny burlap curtains, white walls,

if you can smell apple cores decomposing...

I am the greatest poet in the world.

"Gorecki" - Lamb

If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear

For I've never known completeness like being here

Wrapped in the warmth of you, loving every breath of you

Still my heart this moment, oh it might burst

Could we stay right here till the end of time, till the earth stops turning

Wanna love you till the seas run dry

I found the one I've waited for

All this time I've loved you, and never known your face

All this time I've missed you, and searched this human race

Here is true peace, here my heart knows calm

Safe in your soul, bathed in your sides

Wanna stay right here till the end of time, till the earth stops turning

Wanna love you till the seas run dry

I found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

All I've known, all I've done, all I've felt

Was leading to this

All I've known, all I've done, all I've felt

Was leading to this

Wanna stay right here till the end of time, till the earth stops turning

Gonna love you till the seas run dry

I found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

Wanna stay right here till the end of time, till the earth stops turning

Gonna love you till the seas run dry

I found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

Regina Spektor

it's like forgetting the words to your favourite song, you can't believe it you were always singing along, it was so easy and the words so sweet, you can't remember you try to feel the beat. You spent half of your life trying to fall behind, you're using your headphones to drown out your mind, it was so easy and the words so sweet, you can't remember you try to move your feet. Someone's deciding whether or not to steal, he opens a window just to feel the chill, he hears that outside a small boy just started to cry, cause it's his turn but his brother wont let him try. You can't remember the words so sweet.

"If Taurus lets Scorpio get away or vice versa, both could live to regret it. "

Huh. Astrology.
I agree with Paper Crane on the whole "Valentine's" gig. I suppose I'm a bit late in saying that I feel exactly the same way she does. But, in my opinion, I'd rather be lonely as a teenager than wasting my time worrying about love....it'll come along. Hopefully soon. Or I could end up like Ms.Howe... *shivermetimbers,Imaydie.* A crazy, fat, crotchety old lady with cat issues and a lust for science. Who also can't teach. I don't even have this woman as a teacher, and I know she can't teach.

Duke likes to rest his head on my leg... But it's not creepy because he is a dog. And it isn't gross because he's not like Fang, and my knee doesn't become all slobbery. But Duke is old, and in serious need of a toothbrush. And he always licks my arm when I'm typing, it's annoying.

Overall, I should just die a virgin.

Today I saw a boy trying to win a hockey-based video game and failing miserably. He writhed on the floor and screamed and I just wanted to tell him to shut up because he looked like the victimized heroine chosen by dark spirits to be possessed in ever bad horror movie commercial I have ever seen. And now instead of being horrified I will just want to tell them to shut it. And I'll never be scared on Halloween. Just irritated.

This is how i'm currently feeling about valentines:

This is how some wonderful boy should be making me feel:

This is what's going on inside my brain:

This is a babe:

This is my life: 

That was my valentines day. I hope you enjoyed hearing aboutit. I know that's a typo. I left it because tits are funny. 

Valentines.

Well I-I, I wanna be your lover
I wanna be your (WO) man
I want you to understand

And I-I, I wanna open your door
And love you 'til you're sore
That works for - wait a minute, wait a minute!
Yeah

I wanna be your thing, your anything your everything oh yeah

And I-I, I wanna fill your cup (cup cup cup)
Fill it up, fill it up to the brim with love
That works for - wait a minute, wait a minute!

You'll never have to ask
I'll give you my sweet grass
I'm gonna mesmerize your ass
Just give me my first chance, it's gonna be the last
I'm gonna make you wanna stay

I-I I wanna be your cow
Give you all the milk around town
Let me see, let me see you drink it down
I-I, I wanna be the pear tree
I want you to climb all over me
Try my fruit and taste my seed

Climb right on me, lay it on me
C-climb right on me, l-lay it on me!

Just let my do my thing
Until you start to sing
I'm going down all you night long
I'm gonna build a bond
I'm pullin' out my wand
Feels so right it can't be wrong!

Yeah!

Well I-I, I wanna be your lover
I wanna be your (WO)man
I want you to understand

And I-I, I wanna be you lover baby
I wanna be your girl
Blow a kiss and change the world, yeah

We're gonna make it through
You got me and I got you
Your bleedin' heart's at my command
If you don't love me to
Then bein' friends will do
Long as you let me in your bed!


I fucking hate valentines day. I'll probably wear all black tomorrow as a symbol of mourning for my bleeding, lonely heart. I'll listen to the Kills and scream at random couples on the street. fucking fuck fuck. 

Hai.

Ummagine

"Wear a different pair, just something out of step, throw a stranger an unexpected smile...."

She walked down the street with a fake confidence, the sun shining through her transparent gaze. The people almost stopped to stare at her as she walked. The image was startling, and they just had to look twice at the marvelous danger before them. Her boots and coat and hair and face seemed to blend together like water colours, and flow together like silver satin sliding over your skin. Smooth, and cool. So fragile, you feel as though it's falling apart right before your eyes, when it's actually completely intact.

She was thinking. Everything and nothing, and she didn't notice the people. She just walked through them, sliding around their corners with a whisper. Straight ahead, or on the ground, her gaze shifted and passed over the fleshy skeletons, waiting for something.

"Miss...?" he said. Waiting at the train station, he saw her, but she wasn't watching for him, or really listening. She felt as if she was still walking, going nowhere; everywhere. Smelling, tasting in the air the places she went.

"Miss?...Um..." he spoke again, nervous. Intrigued, but shy, as these men often were. It was a miracle he'd spoken at all, and even more of a miracle she spoke back.

Still walking, thinking, everything, nothing. The satin, the whispers. The piercing eyes, the double takes. The cliche of desolate winter.

The Dancers

When we dance, the sun fades away. We are filled with the darkness. We move in and out of nightmares searching for our bodies. Our souls free to roam in the shadows where no one can see.

When we dance, we spin and spin until our humanity falls. We are whole again. One single being, devouring all other life. Filling ourselves with the pain and joy of others.

When we dance, you, the observer, cease to exist. You are simply an object in the silence; deafened. We hear the drumming, the heartbeats, the voices.

We walk the sea of black looking for more. When we're pulled back to reality, we'll swallow you whole. For we run with the spirits of the broken and cold. We are the dancers. We are the dreamers.

Understated

Aggghhh.... I can't understand my life!
On one hand, it is the most amazing bubble and ball of cosmic energy that I can feed off of whenever I feel emotionally and physically and everythingly unstable.
And on the other hand, I want to turn around and punch whoever decided that I needed a "life lesson" to this degree so hard they won't walk the same way anymore. ei. JESUS.

I NEED TO PUNCH JESUS IN THE FACE.
But besides that, my life is actually so wonderful and amazing I am....so happy. A lot. Because everything is working out. Well, almost everything... the thigns that haven't worked out yet don't need to, or...y'know. I don't know what they are yet.
So, HUZZAH FOR KNOWING THINGS. HUZZAH FOR KNOWLEDGE! HUZZAH FOR SCIENCE CLASS AD MR.WEDMAN WHO IS ACTUALLY REALLY AWESOME EXCEPT THE BEING A NAZI BUSINESS.
Sorry. Needed to vent. Huzzah for air. <3

things

Things I am loving at the moment:

Netflix
Pantslessness
The shirt Heaven lent me, which I hope she never asks me to give back
Peppermint body butter
Brick, the movie
my mom's chocolate chip cookies with a mug of three wishes tea

Things I am not loving at the moment:

Spots on my face, too much acne to embrace the person behind them
oh wait, that's it.
God, if you are real, which I do have some serious doubts about,
please please please make my skin not ugly.
also, please make my dad stop chewing tobacco again... his eyes are all veiny, and red, I think he is depressed because he hates his job.
and so are my mom's. but she has a book to finish writing by the end of february, because that allows her to leave and go on tour for three months again.


please make the buzzing in the walls of my room stop existing.

Some things I've written in the past... Sooo...long...agoooooo...

I figured I should post one of the non-finished stories I've written in Ashworth's class.... It kinda makes no sense... and goes no where. But I like it. That's Writing for Stage and Screen for ya. HERE WE GO! Fasten yer seat belts, folks:

Vixens of the First Water
Bollocks.

"SAMANTHA, WHY ARE YOU LATE FOR MY CLASS FOR THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!?"

Of course I couldn't say 'I'm terribly sorry, Ms. Baffin, but I positively despise you, so I wait outside your room every day five minutes after class starts to spite you' because, although true, it wouldn't necessarily help me out in this situation.

" Well, Samantha?" said Ms. Baffin, droplets of spit escaping her maw of eternal garlic breath. Nay, the maw of decaayy.

" Sorry Ms. Baffin, I'll be on time tomorrow..." I said not looking in her eyes.
In her prime, Ms. Baffin could have actually been attractive...Maybe... Probably not. Even then shades of cruelty and horrible fashion sense must have eliminated any beauty she may or may not have posessed. Today, she was adorned in a disgusting lime green cardigan, with a tight fitting white blouse tucked into a black pencil skirt. Loafers barely encased her gargantuan feet. She looked like a stout, old bowling pin.

If her clothes weren't evidence enough of her troll-like tendencies, her face would surely inform you of her birth parents. She had thinning ginger hair, but a full and lucious ginger unibrow, a squared off jaw, straight nose, beady eyes and purple cats-eye glasses. With one of those disgusting fake pearl necklace type gadgets to hold her glasses 'round her neck if she'd like to free herself from their purple embrace. She spoke again,

"Samantha , you must learn to respect your teachers, and show up to class prepared, and on time. Go to your seat now, you wretched girl." Then she turned away from me.

Hallelujah, I can breathe. I sat down beside one of my best mates, Jasmine. She was trying ( and failing, miserably) at not laughing at my entrance.

" Sammy, why do you insist on testing her many chins to their maximun jiggle levels?"
" Becaause, Jazzy I find it hilarious." I told her, as if she should know this already, and looked straight ahead trying not to smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Tsukushi is such an IDIOT. Anyway. I hope you enjoyed that :)

OH MY GOD THE MOST INTENSE THING EVER!!!

I don't actually have anything to say.

I just felt like I should post.

I bet you're feeling really let down now.

Well suck it up.

When have I ever had anything really intense to say?

So you and your false hope can go die in a hole.

With a possum.

And Isidoro.

And you'll lie there dying. And Isidoro won't be able to help you.

Cause he is busy beating up a possum.

Cause that's what raccoons do.

Or at least that's what they do in my head.

They beat up possums.

In front of dying people.

Okay I'm done now.

Mortality

I think at the speed of gods, but am limited by my mortality. I idealize beyond the human barriers, but am contained by new ones. My mind always open, pushing against the cage. I fight with the will of hundreds, but am limited by my one body. I have strength to overcome, but I do not have the hands to wield my swords. I feel with the passion of emotion itself, but am limited by my own selfish desires. I believe with the faith of a thousand wise men, but am limited by my own human interpretation of god. I see with the intensity of the sun's gaze, but am limited by my watery sphere. I hear with the beat of a thousand drums, but am limited by my poor concentration. I taste with an eruption of flavour, and yet I am limited by my knowledge of one taste. I live with the power of a god, contained by a mortal, waiting to be shown the world.

Ahhh....

Hehehehe, another Poke Post...
Rosehip tea with milk is actually really good. it's all smoothy smooth and cream-esque.

Semester 2

I apparently have math 4th and Science 2nd....

Hey, gay man..... I am so sad right now you have no idea. I could cry. Like, for real.

He sits alone, watching people pass by. He shivers from the cold. He can't understand why. He's out of place, lost, waiting for something to come back to him. The people who do notice him stop to talk, but eventually they all leave him to be swallowed by the cold. Caged, cold, and broken. Alone with his watery eyes. We know he'll be alright, but nothing we say can make him see they'll come back to him. Someone save him. He's all alone. He looks at me as I walk away. Every step I take tears wounds in his frozen skin. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

Ohhh anime~~~

BOYS OVER FLOWERS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A COMEDY!! WTF D:
A girl is ostracized from all her friends, and she gets like, beat up and mocked every day. D: Its actually quite sad. But the main character is rally a strong-willed girl, and shes cute. Which makes it better...but also worse, because I don't want her to be bullied. TSUKUUSSHHIII D:
I may as well become a herbivorous mammal.

Hokey pokey

Jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump.

And you turn yourself around, and that's what it is all about.

IF ONLY FLEDER MAUS. YOU WISH THAT THAT WAS ALL.

If I could dance, perhaps the world's problems would be solved. Hmmm. Keep practicing. And reading and informing and helping and laughing and NOT making others uncomfortable. Sit and Wonder, those boys of the Verve were on to something. INDEPENDENCY DESPITE GLOBALIZATION.

This is gold. If only I had thought of this before my social midterm. Thanks to Barbara Kingsolver for getting me through that one.

Who wants to have a stimulating conversation (again)?

Relief *siiigh*

Sooooo relieved.
Like, srsly. :)
I had my social studies essay today, and I think I actually did quite well. We'll see after it's marked because Ms. Mckraken says that she'll go over it with me...or without her, because she made me cry last time...XD I think she felt really bad after though. And I felt silly for crying. But, that's life I suppose.

AND I also had to do a french oral presentation today, and that was humiliating. But really hilarious, I guess. Cause it was about superheros. Environmentally friendly superheros. En Francais. ( I am such a dork...not even in a good way...in an acne-ridden-pokemon-nerdy-tech kind of way. I'll be a pale virgin when I grow old. And then I'll be all grey haired. and if THAT'S not sexy I don't know what is...) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA <3 Oh I love you all so very, very much. Here's hoping we all get through exams alright (Even though I only have to do my social multiple choice now...Hehehehehe, suckaaasss ;) )

EWEWEWEWEW

Apparently my sister has watched porn. WTF.

Journey

Her shoes squeak on the wet pavement as the rain dances around her. Her hair floating, electrified by the air's humidity. She walks with a purpose, direction, and yet she has no steady destination. She lives for the journey, to feel the energy in every step. To many, she seems lost, but she knows what she wants. To me she is beauty.

Toffee Bars

We haven't posted often recently. And although I have nothing to say really, I feel that something should be said, so I shall do a recipe in the spirit of Fledermaus

1 cup brown sugar

1 cup butter

2 cups flower

some vanilla ( I can't remember how much)

2 cups chocolate chips

1. cream butter, then add brown sugar and cream some more

2. add vanilla

3.add flour slowly, do not over-mix

4.stir in chocolate chips

5.press into lightly greased baking sheet and bake until golden brown

6.once out of oven, cut into squares and cool

7.enjoy yummy goodness

Hope you like it, it is quite delicious I must say.

2011

Yeah, well...Arnold and I are happy <3

Party like it's 2011.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTA3r-0GKW4&feature=player_embedded#!